… and how the T.S.A. might respond to new threats:
1) The “eyeball bomber”. This psycho cyclops’ prosthetic eye is actually a bomb. T.S.A. requires that all passengers prove their eyeballs are real and, if not, remove them for inspection.
2) The “cavity bomber”. This insidious insider hides explosives in his rectum or vagina. T.S.A. requires cavity searches for selected passengers.
3) The “hair strangler”. This hip harbinger of death uses his hair to strangle other passengers. T.S.A. imposes a maximum hair length for all passengers.
4) The “fingernail stabber”. This unmanicured maniac stabs other passengers with his unusually long fingernail. T.S.A. inspects everybody’s fingernails to make sure they are neither too long nor too sharp.
5) The “morbid obesity smotherer”. This abdominal abomination uses his immense body weight to smother other passengers. Nobody can hear their muffled screams. T.S.A. requires restraints for all morbidly obese passengers.
6) The “chicken bone jabber”. This patron of poultry makes sure the chicken in his carry-on meal has sharp bones in it – which he uses to jab other passengers to death. T.S.A. bans poultry on all flights.
7) The “peanut butter poisoner”. This nutty nuisance sneaks small quantities of peanut butter into other passengers’ food – knowing that some of them will be allergic to peanuts. T.S.A. trains special teams of dogs to sniff out peanut products, which are now banned on all flights.
8) The “newspaper swatter”. This bookish bastard folds a newspaper in a certain way and uses it to dispatch other passengers. T.S.A. bans newspapers, magazines and books from all flights.
9) The “dangerous diabetic”. This sneaky sicko may indeed be diabetic – and he’s got the papers to prove it – but the “insulin” he carries around is actually anthrax, which he injects into unsuspecting passengers. T.S.A. requires the testing of all medical substances and supplies at the security checkp0int – at a cost of billions of dollars.
10) The “wheelchair warrior”. This disabled devil removes a detachable component of his wheelchair and uses it as a weapon to slay fellow passengers. T.S.A. bans all outside wheelchairs from flights, instead providing their own “government-approved” versions – at tremendous cost.
If safety is our number one concern, just how far are we willing to go to ensure it?