Starbucks to replace CEO Howard Schultz with Pedro

In an official statement, Starbucks president Cliff Burrows wrote:

The goals of the Diversity and Inclusion team include building a diverse workforce, increasing cultural competencies, shaping a culture of inclusion and developing a diverse network of suppliers.

Indeed, back in 2012, Starbucks showed its commitment to affirmative action by supporting the University of Texas at Austin against a lawsuit that challenged its racial policies. According to colorlines:

Basketball Coaches and Starbucks Push For Affirmative Action

They may be strange bedfellows, but there is one issue of national import that the National Association of Basketball Coaches, the Obama administration and Starbucks have come together to support: affirmative action.

This goal, along with fiscal considerations, have motivated Starbucks’ board of directors to oust CEO Howard Schultz and to replace him with an undocumented alien from Mexico named Pedro. In a statement that shocked many, managing director William Bradley explained:

True diversity must start at the top. Starbucks is sincerely committed to diversity and, frankly, as long as the public face of our company is that of a white male, this goal cannot be realized. It is time to replace the old with the new, the worn-out with the vibrant, the past with the future. Mr. Schultz represents an oppressive past. In the new America, there is no justification for white males to rule over an increasingly diverse workforce.

Furthermore, Mr. Schultz has cost us $28.9 million dollars this past year alone. We, as board of directors, must answer to our shareholders. I am proud to announce that we have found a better candidate for this job: Pedro. Pedro, as an undocumented alien, will earn minimum wage and no more. He will not have special stock options or private security. Pedro will also be responsible for clearing the leaves from our corporate park.

So far, there has been no public reaction from Mr. Schultz. However, sources have indicated that President Obama has invited him for a beer.





About jewamongyou

I am a paleolibertarian Jew who is also a race-realist. My opinions are often out of the mainstream and often considered "odd" but are they incorrect? Feel free to set me right if you believe so!
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5 Responses to Starbucks to replace CEO Howard Schultz with Pedro

  1. Nice. Have you seen my similar post?

    White men and lack of diversity ruined Google & Apple

    I have been reading up on affirmative action. In the Bell Curve, they have a chapter where they claim: If people knew the AMOUNT of advantage that affirmative action confers, there would be protests.

    • jewamongyou says:

      I have now. It would be helpful if your posts had dates on them so we could tell when they were written. Nice articles though.

      • I used to repress dates, as I read that many people don’t read blog posts if they have an old date.

        Nowadays, though, they do have dates. But they are not very visible, at the end. Seems to be the default location.

        Posted by admin on June 14, 2014 at 1:58 pm under Race & Intelligence.

  2. Punish more Asian and White Students – demands Eric Holder

    is also very relevant. That is not even a satire but the whole truth.

  3. alabastrine excellence says:

    It’s funny how things like ‘Affirmative Action’ benefit so very few, instead of benefiting everyone. It’s like a ‘charity’ that uses 99% of its donations for ‘overhead’, salaries, and political bribes. (SPLC) And all that waste of donated money, from people who believe in the new globalist religion’s gospel of ‘politically correct’ egalitarianism! We surely are living in ‘interesting’ times.

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